Struggles

I wish I could hold you close, and fix the world for you. I wish I could focus you like this. I am sorry you felt trapped with me. I am sorry you are feeling trapped by life. I want what we have to be freeing to your heart and your soul. I know most of what you are going through isn’t about us, I wish I could say that a part of me isn’t worried or scared, of course I am. The one thing I can say to you is that I have your back, I may not always perfect at it, but I swear I have your back. I want to be a safe and loving place you can always come to without fear of judgement. I have my own insecurities to work through, and I won’t always be perfect, but I promise to keep trying. Even though sometimes my insecurities don’t let me express it well I PROMISE you will always have my love, support, and understanding. If my emotions get in the way I guess Cleo will just have to kick their ass.  You will get through this. We will get through this, and I promise to help you along the way. I am sorry I couldn’t say this in voice I needed to work through some of the emotions and find the words. I want you to go out tonight and have a wonderful time. I am so proud of you for being all achy and edgy. Thank you for that gift it makes my smile beyond words. Even when you are struggling you are amazing. No matter what happens I’ve got you.
Your Cleo cupcake

Our First Year

I used to write all the time, I haven't in a very long time, but I felt today was important enough that I should. (Plus, I couldn't figure out how to make the video work.) So let's see how this goes...

A year ago today I bought a LUMIPro. I thought I was making a good photography decision; what I didn't realize is I was making a good life decision. The creator of this amazing HUD is someone I never knew I needed until now...

On the surface we don't even seem like a good match. He is 51, and I am 29. He is married, and I am unmarried. He is very non-monogamous, and I had just come out of a forced poly situation. He wanted a submissive, and I swore I would never wear a collar again. Still I was drawn to him... The photo above is the very first time someone had made me feel beautiful. The photo has it's technical issues, but that never mattered. For the first time I saw imperfection, and in that imperfection there was beauty. As much as I tried to deny it Stefan was someone I wanted in my life.

He would log in, and I would smile, I still do to this day. I wanted to be around him. His energy was something I couldn't resist. And then it happened, the thing I swore I would never do...

I put on his collar for the first time. I knew my situation was complicated, and I knew it wouldn't be easy, but this spoke to my submissive heart. It just felt right. No had ever touched my baby girl the way Stefan did. I had always hidden and denied that part of myself. Stefan thank you for bringing me out of hiding.

I have never had someone make me feel safe the way that he has. We have had so many struggles, my being treated bad by people who were supposed to love me, his and my real life struggles, or even our own doubts and insecurities. Somehow we were making it all work.

This one man has changed and molded who I am at my very core. If you had told me a year ago that I would want to be non-monogamous... If you had told me a year ago that I would want to be someone's slave...

I would have told you that you were crazy.

As I sit here and I write this I feel like my words will never do  justice to the gift he has given me. He has made it safe for me to discover who I am and who I hope to be. 

The woman who realizes the heart can be big enough for more than one person. Even though I have moments where I struggle with this, I feel it is a part of me, and I will continue to work at it. 

The baby girl who needed a place to feel safe and be herself.

The submissive who felt the need to be kneeling at Your feet, but was afraid. Thank you for making it okay.

The brave girl who was buried deep inside me. Thank you for helping me to realize she was there. Thank you for letting her soar.

Thank you Daddy! Thank you for teaching me I don't have to hide. Thank you for teaching me it is okay to be vulnerable. Thank you for the most amazing love filled year.

You have my promise to be perfectly imperfect. You have my promise that I am going to struggle, but that I will always keep trying. You have my promise to love and to be Yours. You have my promise to be the most amazing that I know how to be. You have my promise to always be your friend. But most of all you have my promise to always be Your Cupcake. I love you...